Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
