my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
