My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
