my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
