my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
