Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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