he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Send help, water and tortillas.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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