Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
porn star boner night. come get it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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