I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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