Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
