i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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