seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
