Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
