can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
