No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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