Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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