I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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