Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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