hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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