Tell her she can't have a vagina
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
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When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize