Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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