you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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