drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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