i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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