o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
