I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
