I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
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so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
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On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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