I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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