my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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