maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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