I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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