I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
is it fun? or sober?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
