remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
