I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
