Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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