I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
