I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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