I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
