It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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