you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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