Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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