they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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