Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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