Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
