Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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