Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
