We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Success! We fucked roommates!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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