she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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