i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
