Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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