Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
