YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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