just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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