Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
