Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
