Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
