My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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