first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
