I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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