thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
